The "School Trousers" Monologue
I'll never forget my first day at school; like anyone going on a new venture I was frightened yet excited. As we all stood there in the classroom I did something that I have never done since - I wet myself, but instead of declaring this to my teacher I had formed a plan: I stared at the ceiling with such intensity that soon enough every other child there stared also.
'What are you all looking at Alan?' asked the teacher.
'Please Miss' I replied, 'please Miss, I think the roof's leaking'.
I could have got away with it if I hadn't been wearing those light grey trousers Mam had bought for me: all the crotch and inner thighs were sodden, and you didn't have to be Sherlock Holmes to work out what had happened.
Thankfully Miss took me quietly away to the toilets to clean myself up.
'I'll wait outside for you Alam' she said, aware of my shame and need for privacy. 'Leave your trousers and underpants where they are. Tell me when you've done and I'll give you another pair of trousers to wear. I cleaned myself up and called out and she opened the door slightly to hand me the trousers.
The School Trousers!
Nothing had prepared me for this sight: had some drunken or disgruntled sewing machine operator made these? The measurements may have been taken from a hippopotamus who hadn't heard of C&A. They were wide-waisted, short legged and covered in hideous huge purple and grey checks. Even worse was the discomfort I suffered once they were on. I have never had to suffer the indignity of lice or flea infestation I'm glad to say, but I'm sure that 'The School Trousers' had been made to simulate the sensation. So out I went scratching and adjusting myself and trying the best I could to fit into the trousers. Outside stood Miss, patiently waiting without a look of scorn or sympathy but one of understanding.
'Please Miss,' I ventured 'Mam'll go mad if I don't get my own trousers back'
'Don't worry' she said, ' they'll be washed and ironed before half-past three'
'And my underpants?'
'Yes, those too'.
I'd never had my underpants ironed before - a rare treat I thought!
At that point, the only thought in my head was 'thank the Lord I don't wear brown y-fronts like Terrance' - Terrance being the younger brother of my friend George: one day George pulled down his brother's shorts to show a gang of us the colour of his underwear - no that we requested this, but what are brothers for if not to cause embarrassment?
'Uugh look' he said as he pointed to the said garment 'brown they are. Do you know why he wears brown underkecks? So he never has to wipe his bum and nobody'll know!'
The gang all laughed.
Me?
I didn't say anything...